I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
