He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
