im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
