Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
a search helicopter?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
