I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
