explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
