Pants 0. Shit 1.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
