Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
