I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
