I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
