Just fell off a train. Bad.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
