We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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