Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
