i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
All I want is dick and wine.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize