Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize