I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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