So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
