Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
do nipples grow back?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
