I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
