Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
