from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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