they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
