My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I AM VODKA MAN
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
