i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
