i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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