i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sorry about my life...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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