I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you would pick up someone in the library
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
