just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
