Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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