Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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