can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
