I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
