im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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