Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
