There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize