I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
