Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize