Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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