I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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