I feel great
I just peed on a car
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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