remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize