Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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