I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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