I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
