Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
