I got chris browned last night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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