I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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