It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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