Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
