Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
