you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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