I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize