Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
