Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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