Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
a search helicopter?!
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize