the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
