i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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