The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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