tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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