I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
