I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
My bed smells like the plague
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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