At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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