I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
