Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
