I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
